"Down the road the sun is shining every cloud theres a silver lining just keep holding just keep holding on."

I dont know exactly how i feel now but i guess im just sad. Im sad that i cant do this anymore im sad that no matter how much i do it doesnt really show im sad that people are so idek whag im sad that im sad im sad that idek why am i sad im sad that i just cant feel what im feeling i sad that idk what to do im sad that im lying down here now instead of doing productive things i think that im so sad i cant even cry idk what to do now im sad 

Learm to live alone

Learn to live alone you dont need friends. Everyone is just a friend. 

"Its just the desire to feel wanted, to feel loved. "

so much emotions too tired to type it all out but

idk i'll just see how this goes. funny isnt it the last time i came her was a wed too. idk what you want. i dont know how to be a good daughter. idk how to be humane anymore idk i really dk. im just sorry im notup to your standards im sorry im such a brat. maybe you should have just gotten rid of me knowing im such shitass. maybe you should have just left me alone to die. just maybe but thats not it. it hurt me seeing you cry for the first time inmy life it hurt me seeing such vulnerability in your eyes it hurt me that i cause you to feel this way. i always said i have no idea how it feels like exploding i think today i had and it feels balls. its sadistic but it does feel pretty goood maybe idk what or how to feel anymore maybe im should just give up maybe i should just be rid and maybe youll have a better life. idk what do you want. im sorry im not the good daughter im sorry.

tonight is gonna pass by like im so tired i really dk all i fucking hope for now is that you dont release it on smeone else too cos just let one suffer its bad enough.

somethings just not in check.

hello been so long since im here going all reflective and prolly cussing whenever i like it but k anyways.
idk i just want it so damn bad. its crazy how bad i want it. even mre than a 6 points for os now. do i want to be a thrower in jc? no. but i just wanna do well. top 8 i mean by that. do well for what? idek the people that expected for me, the people who didnt fucking believe in me, or just myself. then i came t realisation, what my mom has always been saying anyways, why do i always fucking care about poeple's opinions. i want to do this fr myself. idw be that idiot who spent 4 years training and ending up with nthing. i wanna do the school proud and something for the school, smething for myself. the whole cca journey in this secondary sch life really shits me alot and i learnt a damn lot of times it was basically a rollercoaster. there was a moment i iterally didnt want to get into the team this year but i did, they put me in for idk what reasn and leaving x out. it scared me that i was in and i was doing terribly hardlu getting a qualifying. but slwly the competitiveness bitch in me just came. it started on the last meet, when i finally broke pb and achieved a 6th with 21.32m. its nt good at all but to me it was almost a beacon of hope. that hope. terrrible for all the saa and then finally asomething. maybe i could do it. then slowlu training got better, so much moremotivated pushing like hell fr gym work even. and then intensive training came. dk what got to me almost like adrenaline. everyday i wanted to hit a target. on thur(its so significant hello in the calender) i hit 23m i was over the moon. but i keep it in cos afterall its not official dist and idk wanna be all irritting and fucking insensitive to the others. then i aimed for a 24m duh. monday did nt hit. tday i hit. when miss chan told us last throw, idk i just tried to get it all and apparently the kids(ruifang and chris funny how im talking about juniors i thought i never woild) told me i did finaly hit. i didnt think at all cos miss chan was telling me about my technique but apparently i did. i didnt beieve cs that impssible fr me and iddint even feel good abut the throw. but i did. i fucking did it. i didnt trust myself at all cs like no rcognition nothing. i struggled for the attention to know how i was doing and if it was satisfactory. but nothing. then apparently you gt in great and i become a even wrser bitch and was all terrible. but i couldnt help it. im so damn threatened idk whats to come. trained so long and it might just be gone.  lifes crazy isnt it i thought i had it the confidence and the push t get it. but now im not so certain anymore. but thats life. life is always like that. life hits you at your highest point and it makes you feel like shit.  gt hme was still all abit unstable about it. got to talk to xuling abut it so it was nice. and then. you know everyndu has emotions and so that somebody hit me straight in the face and there goes the breaking point. for no damn reason, break down and obviuosly go bathe. NOW IM here feeling alil better after some thoughts and all and the calming prayers that i do to myself(what) but yeah. but seriusly. sometimes we need this kind of rubbish t keep ourselves in check, physically, mentally. we do things for ourselves and not for the others, YES ITS FR THE SCH IKNOW BUT I JUSR want no regrets after 10 april 2014. i wana achieve and to get there, its anbout time i just stop allowing people to fuck with my life and nt allow my feelings and emtions to fuck myself and just focus and hit. ofcos im damn thankful i made it into the team even. gotta be grateful kids.

people. pls keep yoself in check, do things for yourself, not for the society.

I will do this. i will. hopefully.

You know when i come its issues

Idk i dont thibk i can anymore okay. Maybe that was how you felt tjat time and now i know it sucks. But its okay cos if i come and be honest itll become nasty considering how youll see it and idw it like that so i rather just whatever it and be sad alone. And its just me over shitting/like freaking always/ and just what the freaking ever. No point. Whats the damn fucking point when nobody fucking cares huh. No more like cos one is too busy with whatever they are obssessed or aiming for. Whateverfuckingshit ok. Idk i dont want shit to get real so im just gonna freaking swallow, avoid, qnd whatever. Okay its just fucking sad. Say already why are you so stupid huh. "Every friend is just a friend" okay fuk. I cant freaking shit it anymore just focus one cca and the freaking exams and. Whatever social life is just another outside shit. Okay. At the end of the day, in the fucking society, all yoh need to succeed not mentally but materialistically is alliances okay. Okay do you freking get it audrey hia. Wtf. Idk idek. Just. Its prolly not gonna get anywherr cos you know who fucking caresz. Obssessed with your amazinf aims. Please fucking hell just focus on your damn self please. Cant you just focus on yourself. Idk. I dont fucking care anymore. Its better not to care than care. Its better not to know than to know. Its tough shit but thats life. Whatever has to come whatevers gonna come whatevers not gonna come, just let it be. Im literally gonna let it go now and. You know every friend is just a fuking friend. I really dont like cursing so freaking much ok but these days its been really bad. Idk maybe 16 yo changes how it goes. Seems like its honna be another unproductive day of talkingz.

If you ever see thisz im not talking about you 

Well well well

Well this woman here has been pretty hormoney these days plus that wonderful dream and all these good drama and its bad but its okau. Its important to foxus on myself and not get distracted by random people. /crying laughemoji/ ITS COOL IT IS. 我可以的lol. Okay yes okau i just had to idek why am i like this. This woman is such a girl. Ugh. 

BYE. 

/btw those heels are just sexy i had too.//little mix bts video/ 

Wo bu zhi dao

Just, alot of thoughts running through my mind this night. Idk how to help? I really can feel that this is a pretty bad situation idk? And im scared of things that might result due to this situation. Life is jarsh imean. Idk why is it suddenly like this but i really hope life gets better for them. And idk all i can do now is prolly to be really sensible and lessen their burden in any way possible. But it really sucks knowing i cant help. And i dont really know the intensity level of it and i literally have super wild thoughts but i really have a good feeing about this. Imean its ben quite a while and it takes some intensity for her to tell us to wisen up and. Idk. Idk its tough i just hope it gets better for them. And that 

With chinese os also its pretty scary. Gotta really do my best now to not diaaapoint. Well atleast i guess thats the least i can do. 

Self realisation

Its been so long and well since its reflection day tmr/i never thought i would actually take it so seeiously/ its about time i think before it ets crazy. 

Last year was pretty much a wreck, esp the front part. Had to deal with allthose friendship stuffs like so much battle and then i finally settled. And i made amazing friends at the end of the year an it was crazy cos that was prolly one of the bestest things. And obviously on reflection day it just suddenly hit me so bad it was really bad it was like intense rainfall.  Then we changed class.

And then we have this year. At first it hought it was pretty much gonna be cool then im like nah not really anymore but then i finally also settled and hopefully got a partner in class. Things were pretty smooth and then chairman problem came. Friendship was pretty smooth an it was all good/ except the front part pf the tear with rachel but im glad its settled/ chairman shit got worser and worser and i really really hated it to the f max i wanted to give up. So obviously i had to make the choice to talk to teacher and ask. But nope she didnt allow me at least until the en of the year. Ok so i got passed fiesta which was prolly one of te craziest thung i had to settle and then i started lepaking my role and didnt want to care anymore. Tmr is alr the lat say of school. I can finally go the the teacher and be like its alr the end o the year can i not be anymore. Part of me doesnt wanna do this cos people will think that im such a sore loser how i give up. But im going to make that choice for myself. Its about time the class gets a better leader cos i didnt really do much justice to the class. Its going to be tough approaching her and idek how to strt the convo with the teacher but im gonna do it. This shit is about it end i promise. Honestly, i can say that the worst thing that ever happened to me this year is prolly being chair. /im very thankful to those who really cared and helped when they could tell that i was stressed and all8)/ 

And then about end of term3 till now. I've been doing alot of refelction. You know when you think that you totally have a settled one but actually its only one sided yeap imean all the time rigt. And i realised. It wa pretty crazy and stupid how it took me so log to realised but i realised and i came to a conclusion that you know everyone is just a friend. And i think sometimes i lose myself and ten to forget about tjat but once i get hit and think about it again. It kinda calms me down. Everyone IS just a friend. At the end o the day in society everyone is going to fight for their role whos gonna care about you. 

Its great cos i realised. Now that i realised it might be chuldish im treating it but its only good to me. Imight lose some people but im makig that decision to not be attached thats the worst thing ever. She has her friend i have my friend its about time i realised and i stopped being stupid to think it was actually, what i really looked at it as. Maybe im thinking too much again but then again its true that you got the whole world behind you so. Im just gonna be neutral about it and leave with not being attached eeryone is just a friend 

And then revently i thought about stuff and i realised youknow i do have people. And then something hits me and then i realised maybe not. Yhen it hit me again what happened to not being attached everyone is jst a friend. So im trying to keep living by that and you know just go with the flow and see what happens next year. 

Im mot saying im so sad and that i have no friend. Hello i do imean i think rsong and i are pretty hehe now. /by hehe i mean friendahip wise we're pretty going well/ but sometimes i get cray and not think properly. Im not saying im not blessed. Im freaking lucky to have all these friends around me all the time. Its just thay i tend to lose track of who really really is. 

All im trying to say is that. Its important to self realise. If you were to ask me whats most significat this year. It would be self realisation. Ive pretty learnt quite alot about myself this year. I realised mnay things whats who important and whats not as important. 

Its the greatest thing. Through self realising i might have been abit shocked, but now that im pass it, and still realising it gets better. 

I am actually freaking lucky. I have pretty stable frieds around me. People all around t he world get bullied get into depression and im complaining about just one or two friend now being the "craziest"/self defined/ i should really just be really appreciative and take everythibg lightly. 

But then again when you take everything lightly

Sudden reflection though. Im just hoping for shit that, the whole chair thing would be settled.

And hell no, that i dont rainfall again this reflection day... 

/ZOO WITH DA RSONG AND TERESA WAS KINDA FUN TODAY. Imean, inner animal in me/

Hello

Okay all these weekly monthly shit.

Okay its almost like this month/term my attitude during school changed so much. Chemistry literally irritates me every single day. I love chemistry okay. But miss loo just makes it so rushed and anxious its samn hard for me and like with her intimidatinf voice and me not being able to solve questions its like balls and thinking that chem used to be ma best and now its about to be ma worst, its scary.i really cant and thats totally why im stayinnin class for recess thesedays. I just need to re read everyday or sth and figure out cos like mole/chem cal/qa drives me insane. 

And then theres other subjects you know i think i kinda caught up so like all kinda on task but then just the chem just makes me feel like a freaking loser like why dont it just understand. Its insecurity of losing your best subj as noob as this sounds. I really worried as hell ok. Its like a turn off everything its chemistry lesson.

Then we have all the social life. Idk it was benecia's birthday yesterday big timez. Like big time. If i wasnt all petty and all and like stepped up, it wouldnt have ruined her burthday so much for that im like so so so so so sorry. Like when we went to surprise her at night again, the cry she cried was so genuine. Like its like sorrow and some what touched too. But its like onewhole day of hardship and unconcerned friends and like finally. I jus wanna let you lnow that i/we/whatever didnt forget and we really appreciate you ok. It might prolly be the worst but it wont happen again okay:-( sorry.

Then we have recess. Idk its almost loke once i dont go down i dont feel like going down anymore. Its like so what if im not there right. And idk recess table now is so complicated i cant. Last year though horrid year, recess table was da best okay:-( ahyah whatever lah. 

And then thres piano exam and i just had lesson and iscrewedup big time an im so stressed cos icant dissapoint all that shit. Just no.

Meanwhile, rach song very dedicated these days ah. Follow me to piano so sweet ok. Wo ai bu shi ni. 

And just. 5 weeks to eoys. Not cool ok.

Okay aint no shit getting in my way its late but its time to change da attitude and stop thinking.