hello been so long since im here going all reflective and prolly cussing whenever i like it but k anyways.
idk i just want it so damn bad. its crazy how bad i want it. even mre than a 6 points for os now. do i want to be a thrower in jc? no. but i just wanna do well. top 8 i mean by that. do well for what? idek the people that expected for me, the people who didnt fucking believe in me, or just myself. then i came t realisation, what my mom has always been saying anyways, why do i always fucking care about poeple's opinions. i want to do this fr myself. idw be that idiot who spent 4 years training and ending up with nthing. i wanna do the school proud and something for the school, smething for myself. the whole cca journey in this secondary sch life really shits me alot and i learnt a damn lot of times it was basically a rollercoaster. there was a moment i iterally didnt want to get into the team this year but i did, they put me in for idk what reasn and leaving x out. it scared me that i was in and i was doing terribly hardlu getting a qualifying. but slwly the competitiveness bitch in me just came. it started on the last meet, when i finally broke pb and achieved a 6th with 21.32m. its nt good at all but to me it was almost a beacon of hope. that hope. terrrible for all the saa and then finally asomething. maybe i could do it. then slowlu training got better, so much moremotivated pushing like hell fr gym work even. and then intensive training came. dk what got to me almost like adrenaline. everyday i wanted to hit a target. on thur(its so significant hello in the calender) i hit 23m i was over the moon. but i keep it in cos afterall its not official dist and idk wanna be all irritting and fucking insensitive to the others. then i aimed for a 24m duh. monday did nt hit. tday i hit. when miss chan told us last throw, idk i just tried to get it all and apparently the kids(ruifang and chris funny how im talking about juniors i thought i never woild) told me i did finaly hit. i didnt think at all cos miss chan was telling me about my technique but apparently i did. i didnt beieve cs that impssible fr me and iddint even feel good abut the throw. but i did. i fucking did it. i didnt trust myself at all cs like no rcognition nothing. i struggled for the attention to know how i was doing and if it was satisfactory. but nothing. then apparently you gt in great and i become a even wrser bitch and was all terrible. but i couldnt help it. im so damn threatened idk whats to come. trained so long and it might just be gone. lifes crazy isnt it i thought i had it the confidence and the push t get it. but now im not so certain anymore. but thats life. life is always like that. life hits you at your highest point and it makes you feel like shit. gt hme was still all abit unstable about it. got to talk to xuling abut it so it was nice. and then. you know everyndu has emotions and so that somebody hit me straight in the face and there goes the breaking point. for no damn reason, break down and obviuosly go bathe. NOW IM here feeling alil better after some thoughts and all and the calming prayers that i do to myself(what) but yeah. but seriusly. sometimes we need this kind of rubbish t keep ourselves in check, physically, mentally. we do things for ourselves and not for the others, YES ITS FR THE SCH IKNOW BUT I JUSR want no regrets after 10 april 2014. i wana achieve and to get there, its anbout time i just stop allowing people to fuck with my life and nt allow my feelings and emtions to fuck myself and just focus and hit. ofcos im damn thankful i made it into the team even. gotta be grateful kids.
people. pls keep yoself in check, do things for yourself, not for the society.
I will do this. i will. hopefully.
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