I dont know exactly how i feel now but i guess im just sad. Im sad that i cant do this anymore im sad that no matter how much i do it doesnt really show im sad that people are so idek whag im sad that im sad im sad that idek why am i sad im sad that i just cant feel what im feeling i sad that idk what to do im sad that im lying down here now instead of doing productive things i think that im so sad i cant even cry idk what to do now im sad
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20140402
so much emotions too tired to type it all out but
idk i'll just see how this goes. funny isnt it the last time i came her was a wed too. idk what you want. i dont know how to be a good daughter. idk how to be humane anymore idk i really dk. im just sorry im notup to your standards im sorry im such a brat. maybe you should have just gotten rid of me knowing im such shitass. maybe you should have just left me alone to die. just maybe but thats not it. it hurt me seeing you cry for the first time inmy life it hurt me seeing such vulnerability in your eyes it hurt me that i cause you to feel this way. i always said i have no idea how it feels like exploding i think today i had and it feels balls. its sadistic but it does feel pretty goood maybe idk what or how to feel anymore maybe im should just give up maybe i should just be rid and maybe youll have a better life. idk what do you want. im sorry im not the good daughter im sorry.
tonight is gonna pass by like im so tired i really dk all i fucking hope for now is that you dont release it on smeone else too cos just let one suffer its bad enough.
20140326
somethings just not in check.
hello been so long since im here going all reflective and prolly cussing whenever i like it but k anyways.
idk i just want it so damn bad. its crazy how bad i want it. even mre than a 6 points for os now. do i want to be a thrower in jc? no. but i just wanna do well. top 8 i mean by that. do well for what? idek the people that expected for me, the people who didnt fucking believe in me, or just myself. then i came t realisation, what my mom has always been saying anyways, why do i always fucking care about poeple's opinions. i want to do this fr myself. idw be that idiot who spent 4 years training and ending up with nthing. i wanna do the school proud and something for the school, smething for myself. the whole cca journey in this secondary sch life really shits me alot and i learnt a damn lot of times it was basically a rollercoaster. there was a moment i iterally didnt want to get into the team this year but i did, they put me in for idk what reasn and leaving x out. it scared me that i was in and i was doing terribly hardlu getting a qualifying. but slwly the competitiveness bitch in me just came. it started on the last meet, when i finally broke pb and achieved a 6th with 21.32m. its nt good at all but to me it was almost a beacon of hope. that hope. terrrible for all the saa and then finally asomething. maybe i could do it. then slowlu training got better, so much moremotivated pushing like hell fr gym work even. and then intensive training came. dk what got to me almost like adrenaline. everyday i wanted to hit a target. on thur(its so significant hello in the calender) i hit 23m i was over the moon. but i keep it in cos afterall its not official dist and idk wanna be all irritting and fucking insensitive to the others. then i aimed for a 24m duh. monday did nt hit. tday i hit. when miss chan told us last throw, idk i just tried to get it all and apparently the kids(ruifang and chris funny how im talking about juniors i thought i never woild) told me i did finaly hit. i didnt think at all cos miss chan was telling me about my technique but apparently i did. i didnt beieve cs that impssible fr me and iddint even feel good abut the throw. but i did. i fucking did it. i didnt trust myself at all cs like no rcognition nothing. i struggled for the attention to know how i was doing and if it was satisfactory. but nothing. then apparently you gt in great and i become a even wrser bitch and was all terrible. but i couldnt help it. im so damn threatened idk whats to come. trained so long and it might just be gone. lifes crazy isnt it i thought i had it the confidence and the push t get it. but now im not so certain anymore. but thats life. life is always like that. life hits you at your highest point and it makes you feel like shit. gt hme was still all abit unstable about it. got to talk to xuling abut it so it was nice. and then. you know everyndu has emotions and so that somebody hit me straight in the face and there goes the breaking point. for no damn reason, break down and obviuosly go bathe. NOW IM here feeling alil better after some thoughts and all and the calming prayers that i do to myself(what) but yeah. but seriusly. sometimes we need this kind of rubbish t keep ourselves in check, physically, mentally. we do things for ourselves and not for the others, YES ITS FR THE SCH IKNOW BUT I JUSR want no regrets after 10 april 2014. i wana achieve and to get there, its anbout time i just stop allowing people to fuck with my life and nt allow my feelings and emtions to fuck myself and just focus and hit. ofcos im damn thankful i made it into the team even. gotta be grateful kids.
people. pls keep yoself in check, do things for yourself, not for the society.
I will do this. i will. hopefully.
idk i just want it so damn bad. its crazy how bad i want it. even mre than a 6 points for os now. do i want to be a thrower in jc? no. but i just wanna do well. top 8 i mean by that. do well for what? idek the people that expected for me, the people who didnt fucking believe in me, or just myself. then i came t realisation, what my mom has always been saying anyways, why do i always fucking care about poeple's opinions. i want to do this fr myself. idw be that idiot who spent 4 years training and ending up with nthing. i wanna do the school proud and something for the school, smething for myself. the whole cca journey in this secondary sch life really shits me alot and i learnt a damn lot of times it was basically a rollercoaster. there was a moment i iterally didnt want to get into the team this year but i did, they put me in for idk what reasn and leaving x out. it scared me that i was in and i was doing terribly hardlu getting a qualifying. but slwly the competitiveness bitch in me just came. it started on the last meet, when i finally broke pb and achieved a 6th with 21.32m. its nt good at all but to me it was almost a beacon of hope. that hope. terrrible for all the saa and then finally asomething. maybe i could do it. then slowlu training got better, so much moremotivated pushing like hell fr gym work even. and then intensive training came. dk what got to me almost like adrenaline. everyday i wanted to hit a target. on thur(its so significant hello in the calender) i hit 23m i was over the moon. but i keep it in cos afterall its not official dist and idk wanna be all irritting and fucking insensitive to the others. then i aimed for a 24m duh. monday did nt hit. tday i hit. when miss chan told us last throw, idk i just tried to get it all and apparently the kids(ruifang and chris funny how im talking about juniors i thought i never woild) told me i did finaly hit. i didnt think at all cos miss chan was telling me about my technique but apparently i did. i didnt beieve cs that impssible fr me and iddint even feel good abut the throw. but i did. i fucking did it. i didnt trust myself at all cs like no rcognition nothing. i struggled for the attention to know how i was doing and if it was satisfactory. but nothing. then apparently you gt in great and i become a even wrser bitch and was all terrible. but i couldnt help it. im so damn threatened idk whats to come. trained so long and it might just be gone. lifes crazy isnt it i thought i had it the confidence and the push t get it. but now im not so certain anymore. but thats life. life is always like that. life hits you at your highest point and it makes you feel like shit. gt hme was still all abit unstable about it. got to talk to xuling abut it so it was nice. and then. you know everyndu has emotions and so that somebody hit me straight in the face and there goes the breaking point. for no damn reason, break down and obviuosly go bathe. NOW IM here feeling alil better after some thoughts and all and the calming prayers that i do to myself(what) but yeah. but seriusly. sometimes we need this kind of rubbish t keep ourselves in check, physically, mentally. we do things for ourselves and not for the others, YES ITS FR THE SCH IKNOW BUT I JUSR want no regrets after 10 april 2014. i wana achieve and to get there, its anbout time i just stop allowing people to fuck with my life and nt allow my feelings and emtions to fuck myself and just focus and hit. ofcos im damn thankful i made it into the team even. gotta be grateful kids.
people. pls keep yoself in check, do things for yourself, not for the society.
I will do this. i will. hopefully.
20140115
You know when i come its issues
Idk i dont thibk i can anymore okay. Maybe that was how you felt tjat time and now i know it sucks. But its okay cos if i come and be honest itll become nasty considering how youll see it and idw it like that so i rather just whatever it and be sad alone. And its just me over shitting/like freaking always/ and just what the freaking ever. No point. Whats the damn fucking point when nobody fucking cares huh. No more like cos one is too busy with whatever they are obssessed or aiming for. Whateverfuckingshit ok. Idk i dont want shit to get real so im just gonna freaking swallow, avoid, qnd whatever. Okay its just fucking sad. Say already why are you so stupid huh. "Every friend is just a friend" okay fuk. I cant freaking shit it anymore just focus one cca and the freaking exams and. Whatever social life is just another outside shit. Okay. At the end of the day, in the fucking society, all yoh need to succeed not mentally but materialistically is alliances okay. Okay do you freking get it audrey hia. Wtf. Idk idek. Just. Its prolly not gonna get anywherr cos you know who fucking caresz. Obssessed with your amazinf aims. Please fucking hell just focus on your damn self please. Cant you just focus on yourself. Idk. I dont fucking care anymore. Its better not to care than care. Its better not to know than to know. Its tough shit but thats life. Whatever has to come whatevers gonna come whatevers not gonna come, just let it be. Im literally gonna let it go now and. You know every friend is just a fuking friend. I really dont like cursing so freaking much ok but these days its been really bad. Idk maybe 16 yo changes how it goes. Seems like its honna be another unproductive day of talkingz.
If you ever see thisz im not talking about you
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