Hello

Okay all these weekly monthly shit.

Okay its almost like this month/term my attitude during school changed so much. Chemistry literally irritates me every single day. I love chemistry okay. But miss loo just makes it so rushed and anxious its samn hard for me and like with her intimidatinf voice and me not being able to solve questions its like balls and thinking that chem used to be ma best and now its about to be ma worst, its scary.i really cant and thats totally why im stayinnin class for recess thesedays. I just need to re read everyday or sth and figure out cos like mole/chem cal/qa drives me insane. 

And then theres other subjects you know i think i kinda caught up so like all kinda on task but then just the chem just makes me feel like a freaking loser like why dont it just understand. Its insecurity of losing your best subj as noob as this sounds. I really worried as hell ok. Its like a turn off everything its chemistry lesson.

Then we have all the social life. Idk it was benecia's birthday yesterday big timez. Like big time. If i wasnt all petty and all and like stepped up, it wouldnt have ruined her burthday so much for that im like so so so so so sorry. Like when we went to surprise her at night again, the cry she cried was so genuine. Like its like sorrow and some what touched too. But its like onewhole day of hardship and unconcerned friends and like finally. I jus wanna let you lnow that i/we/whatever didnt forget and we really appreciate you ok. It might prolly be the worst but it wont happen again okay:-( sorry.

Then we have recess. Idk its almost loke once i dont go down i dont feel like going down anymore. Its like so what if im not there right. And idk recess table now is so complicated i cant. Last year though horrid year, recess table was da best okay:-( ahyah whatever lah. 

And then thres piano exam and i just had lesson and iscrewedup big time an im so stressed cos icant dissapoint all that shit. Just no.

Meanwhile, rach song very dedicated these days ah. Follow me to piano so sweet ok. Wo ai bu shi ni. 

And just. 5 weeks to eoys. Not cool ok.

Okay aint no shit getting in my way its late but its time to change da attitude and stop thinking. 

Neutrality

Sometimes, you have fun with the friends around hang out laugh about things. And then sometimes you stop and reslised that, you have nobody. You dont really know who and what is actually real. Sometimes its just the moment of friendship. What is that. Its frustrating. What is friendship lol. Its like a one night stand of friendship. When you wanna hang out and laugh you do it and then forget about it. And When one feels lonely again they come to you and talk and another round of one night friendship shit. Im confused. What. Who exactly is what. Maybe all this time its just delusion. No one exactly is a friend. Everythings a lie of just having fun. They have their own and all sorts. Maybe the mentality of remaining suoer neutral will help. Everyone is just a friend. Its nothing else. Everything just happens for a while and things get forgotten. And people just come and go. And its all just a party idek.  Maybe all along it was like that. Maybe its just time to be be neutral at all sorts. And you know nobody matters. At the end of the day, family. And maybe its time to focus on whats the target and aim even tho its still about a year, Os. Maybe its time to really prioritise and figure out what do i want in life and these lil fun can just be literally lil fun that nobody takes note of cause, it gets confusing. Maybe theres only one true bestfriend. it was confusing but i guess its all good now. other than that, Its one sided again, maybe its just me, overthinking the shit. Maybe its just me for being such a failure at this. But. Time is needed for me to adapt that shit. 

Again and again just got be reminded that. 

everyones just a friend. Or even less. 

Neutrality. 

Meanwhile,

academic is failing hard its so tough. Idek whats the problem. Oh whatever. 

Ps. Im not complaining. Im friggin lucky to have these people around me but i question myself. Insecuritiesyouknow.